2013 GC RD.3 - Fidel Z Vs. Phroxen (Phroxen Wins 3-1 TKO)

Fidel Z Vs Phroxen

This topical is part of the 2013 Topical Grand Championship

Rules
Verses are due Thursday, December 12th.
Verses are to be posted in THIS thread.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Vote deductions will happen for people going over.
Voting is 3-0 KO, 3-1 TKO or first to 5.

Topic

"No Regrets"

No Regrets

I feel a cold breeze run thru my body from an open door
My head is spinning, my stomach turning, and I’m laid out on the bathroom floor
My garden is full of broken bottles exactly where the grass is
My vision is blurry, ask Mary to hurry, to show me where I dropped my glasses
I shout her name; MARY! MARY! ARE YOU THERE MARY!?
I hate being home alone, I need Mary without her the atmosphere is scary
I gather whatever strength is left in me, holding on to the sink
I should’ve remembered the stains, but I’m too fucked up to think
I slip off the sink, hit my head on the ground, luckily I didn’t faint
This headache is so extreme; opening my eyes causes me pain,
All I remember was Mary saying “Stop! Drinking so much, you’re insane!”
My stomach feels like it’s being hit up by comets!
I feel something running up my chest, I hope I gotta burp cuz I’m sick of the vomit!
As it quickly travels up my throat, it turns out I had to burp, PHEW!
But little did I know, that this burp smelt like shit, and right after I Puked
Thank God Mary aint here, I don’t want her to see me like this, none of this shit is cute
She’d most likely dump me. I’d be drinking, miserably texting her, while she stays on mute
I hate this shit! I can feel veins pop out of my forehead; I’m at a terrible state of mind!
Why do I even go to the Pub with these fake friends of mine? It’s all just a big waste of time!
Wait hold on... I remember shanty had a nice batty, and another blonde chick she also had a fatty
And they both whined on me at the same time! And damn shanty new how to work it
Maria was taking shots with her girlfriends; she didn’t even notice me damn that was perfect
Come to think of it, last night wasn’t so bad! Damn dude it was actually worth it,
Yeah I feel fucked now, but it doesn’t last for ever, true it’ll end!
Foreal I don’t regret none of it actually, shit fuck it! Tomorrow I might do it again!

[Mary = Girlfriend]

[Phroxen]

No Regrets


He sat comfortably at the table.. with a wide grin and his wrists chained..
Two officers across from him.. good and bad cop in a split frame..
Only one word to plead. The jury believes he's insane..
"Not guilty" keeps rolling off his tongue with a rich taste.


One year prior, he gave the bus driver a wave..
carrying his daughter in the house, asking the fun heights of the day..
Her innocent face, cinnamon-glazed.. even a rough smile could make
this once-fighter's love shine.. everything glum stifled away.
After a quick kiss & hug, he motions her up the stairs..
to finish her homework.. making sure she's never unprepared.
As a single parent, she's all he has. The rest? There's nothing there.
His wife passed.. so what she means to him is lungs to air.
He walks to the kitchen.. gets a sandwich bag to pack her lunch..
grabs a knife for the bread; that's how she likes it instead: a lack of crust..
he goes to make the first incision.. the blade only passes once..
before he's interrupted by an overhead sound of a massive thud.
"HONEY?! Are you alright?!" He swiftly dashes up the stair case..
palmed blade, arm raised.. leaping steps at a hare's pace..
"HONEY?!" He breathes out once more just for air's sake..
Then opens the door.. his daughter's pale face blown out in a pear shape..
A dark-suited figure stood, waiting in the corner..
the silencer on his gun still smoking... no time to mourn her..
The father charged full speed, bull rushing, racing wide steps..
shot once in the process but it only grazed his bicep.
He managed to disarm him & pin him down, still pursing his piece..
that was only moments ago being used on turkey & cheese.
& an immense rage engulfed the father.. usurping his pleas..
while the child's killer kept screaming "DON'T HURT ME" & "PLEASE!!"

Blood drenched the Disney wallpaper.. the rug.. more than inches thick.
He called the police & started with ease: "I'd like to report an incident."


He sat comfortably at the table.. with a wide grin and his wrists chained..
Two officers across from him.. good and bad cop in a split frame..
Only one word to plead. The jury believes he's insane..
"Not guilty" keeps rolling off his tongue with a rich taste.

[Dysfunctional]

Fidel Z: Good concept. Story was a bit scattered not a fluid stream of progression you know? The multis were ok some were great and some were a bit basic. Overall Decent Piece.

Phroxen: One problem was it took me to midway through to figure out what the story was exactly. The beginning was kinda shaky. But thats just me being nitpicky. Overall a really excellent verse though. Multis on point. Story was fantastic. It progressed smoothly. Usually I hate topicals that start and end on the same stanza. But in this case it worked well cuz the first time you read it you think what the fuck does that have to do with this then by the end you figure out how it relates very well done. Overall both worthy of the 3rd round but only one can move on.

MVGT: Phroxen

One's topical was good in the idea that it took something that seems to happen to a lot of troubled people today and he really built a back story behind it quite nicely. Multi structure wasn't too rigid here, which I like, and the story seemed to progress well from start to finish.

Other's topical kind of confused me in the beginning, but as I started to get in to the story a little bit more, it started making a little bit more sense, but then, at the very end, it confused me again. Even though the multi structure was a little more strict than your opponents, I still liked it because it continued to flow smoothly and it didn't effect the story either by forcing a multi set.

Overall, Fidel Z has my vote.

[ELOH STACKz]

Fidel Z: I've lived your verse a few times in my Life, Lol. I feel like your rhymes & concepts were a little basic, you could definitely do better. Imagery was decent when you set up the bathroom scene & the club scene. However, there wasn't much Multi usage & I feel like you could've written a better ending. He could've lost his main bitch over dancing with 2 hood rats? I woulda ended it with his Girl coming home, seeing the two bitches from the bar naked in her bed & spazzing out. Nobody regrets a Ménage, Lol...

Phroxen: Once again, a court-house setting. I just read Dono's topical which revolved around a crooked Judge. My topical was a Closing Argument in a Murder case. I guess great minds think alike. Nice alliteration & imagery, you definitely painted a vivid picture of what led the protagonist to that Court room. I would've liked to have known why the murderer killed his daughter. Was he a pedophile? an Assassin? was it a random act? But that's my only criticism of your verse. I think your verse was much deeper, conceptionally. Your "No Regrets" theme seemed more valid, & emotionally relevant than your opponents. Which gave you the nod

Vote: Phroxen

I enjoyed both reads.
Fidel I had a few issues with yours. Overall the story was pretty good, progressed decently, but the length of the lines made the flow mad choppy. I felt like you were having difficulty conveying the points with less words so you spaced it out a bunch. Also the overall concept wasn't that original, the story itself was but alcohol/drug related topicals are common.

Phroxen, yours was a tad more original, had better imagery and flowed a lot smoother. In terms of story, I felt that shit escalated quickly, like there was a jump between calm and high paced. I liked how you repeated the start at the end, I do that myself a lot for effect.

Overall Phroxen's piece was a little more complete when it comes to topicals.

MVGT: Phroxen

Upping for formatting.