LBTT May: Student vs Shodan [Shodan wins 3-2]

[NOBLE]

@Student vs @Ahura Mazda
Verses are due Thursday, May 21st 11:59PM Est (GMT -4).
Verses are to be posted in THIS thread.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Voting is 3-0 KO, 3-1 TKO or first to 5.

Topic:

[Shodan]

The headless creature quickly attacked, lifting a bat
Swinging it fast, one more minute he'd be killing the man
Left brain said the victim completely deserved it
Right brain responded that the reason was bullshit
Engineers build. I kill. It's our rallying mantra
Chanting it all when we hope to actually stop this

The general public thinks we're mindless brutes
They ought to start finding truth, we just fight the new
Because this technological age leaves our lives abused

Scientists love playing God, what they don't see is how they are wrong
The whole idea walks into Satan's arms
If you give them an aura of humanity, I guess it ain't your fault when they take it off?
In our creation they raped us all...

Now, was this payback truly proper?
I guess you can call it... Just to be brut'ly honest
As I killed the researcher I almost made a move to stop it
But the damage was done. The metaphor's complete
By authorizing cloning they let him torture me
Humans think they're greater... truth is
They're inferior to their own products and can't change the future

[Student]

I don't know what got into me,
I just woke up one day and wanted to join the infantry, fuck with me,
I'm a one man killing machine,
beyond your worst dreams,
I'm something scary like when demons scream

I'm a man who's cursed,
beyond the world's dirt,
my only response is to hurt,
I've become a villain,
the anti-hero, the one who does the killing,

this tale doesn't have a happy ending,
it ends with you have severed tendons,
my rage is suspended,
beyond tectonic plates tension,
in the air is thick aggression,
cut quickly when I see you testing,
I'll strike a man down with furious anger,
you'll see the big L, pure danger

This is for blood sport,
I'm so used to pounding flesh that's it's a dumb chore,
I could care less of the repercussions, there's no assumption,
I live to carve flesh but I don't fuck with pumpkins,

As the darkness passes, my life flashes before me and it's fantastic,
But it's madness that your life needs to fade into blackness,
I see myself and it's tragic, a sort of black magic,
I swing the bat and hear the splat and the realization that comes with that,
I drop it flat take two step back and finally realize that the person I've killed said that he knew he from way back, used to help me with my napsack, used to scream, cry and laugh, all that

I walk over to the body and flip it over the back,

I'm shocked who I see, Dad?

Pretty even as far as the topicial image goes. I think Student closed with a better punchline. Fv 6-6

very different styles here , enjoyed the reads, both of the writers' rhyming should be a bit more precise consistently, & both didnt really stick to the picture ALL THE WAY throughout. One started off pretty predictable, and it didnt really tie with the ending imo, whereas the other's beginning was stretched and small grammatical issues, ok ending but the lines prior made that predictable. Overall i felt one's verse was more entertaining. vote's to stu. one

[Black Book]

Both had solid rhyme structures and did a decent job here. At first, I thought Ahura Mazda had easily won while reading Student's topical. But the ending made it a tad bit closer. I feel like Student put too much unnecessary filler rhyming in his story though. He wasted too much space that could have been used to build a story. I also think Ahura Mazda had the more original idea and did more to develop it.

VOTE: Ahura Mazda

[S O U L R I T E]

I enjoyed both verses. Stu was simple, sweet, and direct, while Mazda was more intellectual and poetic. If I were to judge off of who took the picture and expounded deeper rhythmical thoughts, I'd choose Mazda.

VOTE: Ahura Mazda

[NOBLE]

I felt both could have done better with the topic. I think Ahura Mazda used more elements from the picture in his piece...like the fact "engineers" is written on the wall and the fact that you can't see the assaulter's head. An engineered race of headless clones isn't how I would have interpreted it and seems a little far-fetched, although imaginative, as far as the picture goes, but at least those parts of the image were accounted for whereas in Student's piece, they weren't referred to. I liked the rhyming in Ahura Mazda's piece more. Student's vocabulary might have been a bit more varied but both were equally appropriate. As far as the storytelling, I preferred Ahura Mazda's. Both talked about what's going on in the assaulter/narrator's mind, but Ahura Mazda's narrator also talked about society and the technological age which provided context for what's happening. In Student's piece, there wasn't as much context...it was like the guy thinking to himself how big and bad he is and it almost started to sound like a weak battle verse at times with lines like "I live to carve flesh but I don't fuck with pumpkins" (no offense, just being honest). With that being said, I think Student's piece conveyed more emotion. I think both were pretty even in their use of imagery. I didn't like how either ended tbh. Ahura's ending didn't do much as far as bring a conclusion to the overall story. Student's ending did better in this regard and had a twist, but the twist had no prior context within the story nor the picture. It just came out of nowhere that that was his Dad.
Both did their thing but my vote goes to Ahura Mazda. I felt he did a slightly better job overall.

[NOBLE]

@Ahura Mazda wins 3-2! Thanks to all who voted.

[Student]

This was a great battle to be involved with and honestly makes me want to do more Topicals and progress towards greatness. Congrats on the win @Ahura Mazda I enjoyed your piece as well.