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**Erupt** · #25 10-10-2014, 06:20 PM

@Enfinite

Bulls vs Legion has gone 'Nuclear', two MAD FACTION'S ON DECK WHO'S RUNNIN' THE GAME, Manny left the bulls for LoD in Illy 4 and that 'MANHATTAN PROJECT' BLEW UP IN THEIR FACE! (this was a nice personal bar, creativity was there but it was missing something for max punch impact.. The long multi sets are ok, but in this case you had 10 syllables and could come off as a hard read... I would have shortened the multi set syllable length and added another multi set for max impact.. also the concept could have been flipped a little to add to the creativity.. The concept was cool tho) The debate was can aC'S HANG WITH THE BUSINESS and BEAT BANKS AND HIS MINIONS? They 'looked hot but faded as we closed in' like 'HEAT WAVES' IN THE DISTANCE! ( another personal bar here.. actually hit decently.. again could have been flipped to add more creativity.. maybe thougt a lil harder on how to flip the concept, if you dont know what i mean by flip holla at me n ill explain in more detail.. If you listen to live battles you will understand multi placement a little better. You would have had one more multi set after BANKS AND HIS MINIONS to create that build up to make the punch hit harder) Manny and I never battled so we're MAKING A BET, WHO'S THE WORST? I could 'freestyle' and 'take it off the top' w/o FACING 'EXECUTIONERS' or 'SHAVING HIS HEAD THROUGH THE PERM! ( wasnt feeling this concept here was a lil played but i did like the double concept/multi set FACING EXECUTIONERS SHAVING HIS HEAD THROUGH THE PERM.. i think if you focus on these type of punches you will do more damage conceptually) He believe's he's a 'SAINT' N SAYS HIS BOOTH'S A 'CHURCH' so if he 'spits with a devil inside him'? It's not that 'SATAN'S' BLED INTO HIS WORK but GAVE QUICK 'HEAD' TO 'LUCIFER'! ( the way his was worded was weird.. the concept itself didnt hit cus it was a stretch like gave head to lucifer.. kind of unrealistic so it was a stretch.. also really simple.. you did have the double multi set tho again so that was a good look just came off a little meh) So LoD's BANGIN TECHS TO SHOOT THE BULLS? Nah they GANGSTA'S SET TO DO A 'ROLE' so when they 'act hard' they'd only 'STAGE' A DEATH AND FUNERAL! (the acting/stage concept is very played here.. also needed another multi set or a punch after GANGSATAS SET TO DO A ROLE for max punch impact.. I can give you an example of multi placement if you want) You talk bout' 'girls in gats' in songs like you'd BUST A HEATER TO IT but it sounds like LUSTFUL 'TEENS WITH TUNES', THAT threaten "In My World: I'd tell you one time".....queue the 'JUSTIN BIEBER' MUSIC! (this was very weak imo.. the concept itself just wasnt concrete.. also you didnt need the "..." the concept wasnt an awe concept if you eel me) You aren't a Man, you're a chick I wish WE'D 'BOMB' HER WORLD HARDER! (this multi set reads akward.. It comes off as forced) So to be 'Heroes, She must be destroyed in battle' no RESPONSE FROM 'PEARL HARBOR'! (So to be Hiroshima's, be destroyed in battle) (this was the most creative bar you had... I like the concept but I'm not a fan of the long winded wordplay... it can come off as conceptually forced but in this case it was decent.. The no RESPONSE FROM PEARL HARBOR multi set didnt add to the punch impact tho because of how it was worded.. it didnt read smoothly like.. so to be hiroshimas, be destroyed in battle.. it doesnt read right both ways if that makes sense)

Punches- 6 .. i think if you worked on multi placement a little more with ETH your punches would hit a little harder.. Overall they were quite simple but i did like a couple of the personal flips you had so ima give you a 6 because you understand the importance of personal bars with a decent flip.
Multis- 6 - Some of your multis come off as forced.. What you may want to try is write your verse lowercase like you are doing an audio battle that way it may read smoother.. I do like the fact you can do the back to back multi sets relating to the end concept.. Thats a start. Also the 10 syllable multi sets can throw off a verse I wouldn't go past 6 at this stage in your texting)
Delivery/swag- 6 .. I think you lack a little bit of personality in your bars.. which can take away from the enjoyment of reading it.. If you read a daddio or illimit or jason verse you will understand what i mean.. they choose multis that read smoothly and the word choice makes the verse more exciting)
creativity- 6 The hiroshima bar was a step in the right direction, but I dont want you to try to be too creative at this point cus you may try to overdue it... Focus on your multi placement and delivery at this point then the creativity will come with it.
readability- 6 .. it was readable .. but the 10 syllable multi set took away from that a little.. Also try not the have multi sets that require a "," cus it takes away rom the flow example.. LUSTFUL 'TEENS WITH TUNES', THAT ... this read weird and the multis were kinda meh.

Overall- 6 .. You should work on multi placement and smoother multis cus they come off forced at times.. try writing the verse lowercase first and see how that works for you.. Also to understand multi placement read the dudes that i mentioned above. Ask eth to assist you more with multis so that they dont come off as forced. Focus on those areas for now. Once you get that down move to creativity and i think youll be just fine.

---------- Post added at 04:59 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:57 PM ----------

Also I think if you watch some live battles that will help with your delivery/ multi placement for max punch power.

---------- Post added at 05:16 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:59 PM ----------

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dean

@Erupt, Maybe you should get a guest rater, similar to what you did in the rap school with Phroxen. This would speed things up a lil bit.

Idk Somebody like @remarK or @ILLoKWENT

Yeah these breakdowns take like 30-40 min each tbh might not think so but it's time consuming.. Not sure those cats are gonna wanta spend time breaking these down but im getting at em my nigg all will be broke down by this weekend.

---------- Post added at 06:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:16 PM ----------

@Octavia

“stocks will be crashing” when i BLAST A GAUGE or EMPTY MAGS! sorry to “burst ur bubble” but your JABS’LL FAIL to SET ME BACK & i wouldn’t “buy in to those, homes” w/ FANNIE MAE & FREDDIE MAC! ( i think the concept was a bit played but the flip was decent.. some slant rhymes here but noting drastic... The way it was delivered was good tho.. The only thing is how the punch transitioned like.. JABS’LL FAIL to SET ME BACK & i wouldn’t “buy in to those, homes” w/ FANNIE MAE & FREDDIE MAC .. instead of saying & i wouldn't for max punch impact maybe a smoother transition word like "so i wouldnt BUY INTO.. i that makes sense.) "it's not me, it's you" livin IN HIS MOMMA'S BASEMENT (i dont get the its not me its you reference.. should focus on more concrete references because i was thinking it would be followed by like a dating breakup punch), i wanted to face a “monster” but i GET THIS FRAUD IN PLACEMENT? you’ll need a “hero to save you now” but my LYRICS AREN’T CONTAINING shit that’s CHRISTIAN ROCK RELATED like a SKILLET COMPILATION!!/ (I like the multis here, but the punch itself is meh... nothing really creative it comes across as bland.. maybe you could have flipped the concept a little) bred knows ill win, first we TEXT, THEN I’LL BEAT YOUR VERSES & for my NEXT WIN? DEFEAT A MURDA; you wont “go in, to defy or place” less you STEPPED IN A HEATED FURNACE n i aint seen “o bomb a squad” unLESS ITS THE SECRET SERVICE or the PRESIDENT’S TEAM OF SERVANTS!! (the fireplace, Obama squad.) (this right here is what you should model your punches after.. this was good the o bama line is a little played but still w/p and the defy or place w/p was decent too mainly the way it was setup and multi placement here was very good..) if you wrote lines alone? you couldnt even TRY TO TOP MINE, i mean we know acs helps to WRITE YA BARS, GUY, but they just “assist your suicide” - hence a “CRYSIS HOTLINE!” (this was actually a very good personal man... the Crysis personal, helps write bars.. I liked this punch.. the multi placement was good , if im nitpicking the TRY TO TOP MINE multi set could have been replaced by something else) you’re a rap machine? “Obey, you’re human!” but tryna BEAT GOD IN A CONTEST? since you can “cause no harm” you better run to “save your life” no THREE LAWS OF ROBOTICS!!!/ (this was a decent punch.. i like how you big upped yourself and still threw a punch.. i think the concept itself could have been put together a little better for creativity purposes.. Also for max punch impact you needed one more multi set after "cause no harm" that way the build would have made it hit a little harder ) i mean, he thinks he’s ACTUALLY KILLING ME? i’ll make ya “head spin,” hope someone HAPPENS TO INTERVENE if you "draw to put dots in I?" ur like ANIME IN DEFEAT cause weapons? we might see “bey’ blade, tops!” like JAPANESE FIGURINES! ( i like the double punch here, but it came off awkwardly .. the multis were relevant for sure but still read funy the concept itself wasn't worded properly throughout the entire bar.)

Punches- 6.5 .. The crysis hotline .. obama squad.. fireplace bars all helped your verse here.. were very decent punches and the fact that you know about where to place your multis for the most part made the bars hit harder.. There are bars that came off meh but u have punches some back to back so thats a good start for sure.. def potential here.
Multis-7 Multis for the most part are good here.. there were a couple multi sets that came off weird but overall they flow very smoothly and make sense.
delivery/swag- 6.5- You actually have a decent delivery swag as well.. yI can see a little bit of your personality shining through here I think if you work a little more on this part of your verse you will excel.. also try not to force a couple concepts
creativity- 7 .. Im going to give you a 7 here because I can see the potential in where you are going with the concepts.. you think outside of the box .. i have a pretty good eye for cats that can potentially excel creatively and you are on the right track.. just need to take it that step further.. the fire line was def on the right track.
readability- 7 .. verse was readable but there are times where your punches come off as worded awkwardly.. like the closer.. Try to keep things simple and not have too many references and quotations commas etc because it messes with the flow and what not.

Overall- 6.8 ... I think what boosts you is your potential to excel creatively.. You understand what wordplay is.. and you are very close to breaking the creative barrier.. Try to be a little more relevant bar wise... get rid of some of the commas, quotations which will make for a smoother read.. you have a good hold on multi placement as well just in some instances dont forget that the build is what makes the punch hit.. atleast three multi sets per bar id say for max punch power.. Youre on the right track tho.

**Erupt** · 10-10-2014, 06:20 PM

@Enfinite

Bulls vs Legion has gone 'Nuclear', two MAD FACTION'S ON DECK WHO'S RUNNIN' THE GAME, Manny left the bulls for LoD in Illy 4 and that 'MANHATTAN PROJECT' BLEW UP IN THEIR FACE! (this was a nice personal bar, creativity was there but it was missing something for max punch impact.. The long multi sets are ok, but in this case you had 10 syllables and could come off as a hard read... I would have shortened the multi set syllable length and added another multi set for max impact.. also the concept could have been flipped a little to add to the creativity.. The concept was cool tho) The debate was can aC'S HANG WITH THE BUSINESS and BEAT BANKS AND HIS MINIONS? They 'looked hot but faded as we closed in' like 'HEAT WAVES' IN THE DISTANCE! ( another personal bar here.. actually hit decently.. again could have been flipped to add more creativity.. maybe thougt a lil harder on how to flip the concept, if you dont know what i mean by flip holla at me n ill explain in more detail.. If you listen to live battles you will understand multi placement a little better. You would have had one more multi set after BANKS AND HIS MINIONS to create that build up to make the punch hit harder) Manny and I never battled so we're MAKING A BET, WHO'S THE WORST? I could 'freestyle' and 'take it off the top' w/o FACING 'EXECUTIONERS' or 'SHAVING HIS HEAD THROUGH THE PERM! ( wasnt feeling this concept here was a lil played but i did like the double concept/multi set FACING EXECUTIONERS SHAVING HIS HEAD THROUGH THE PERM.. i think if you focus on these type of punches you will do more damage conceptually) He believe's he's a 'SAINT' N SAYS HIS BOOTH'S A 'CHURCH' so if he 'spits with a devil inside him'? It's not that 'SATAN'S' BLED INTO HIS WORK but GAVE QUICK 'HEAD' TO 'LUCIFER'! ( the way his was worded was weird.. the concept itself didnt hit cus it was a stretch like gave head to lucifer.. kind of unrealistic so it was a stretch.. also really simple.. you did have the double multi set tho again so that was a good look just came off a little meh) So LoD's BANGIN TECHS TO SHOOT THE BULLS? Nah they GANGSTA'S SET TO DO A 'ROLE' so when they 'act hard' they'd only 'STAGE' A DEATH AND FUNERAL! (the acting/stage concept is very played here.. also needed another multi set or a punch after GANGSATAS SET TO DO A ROLE for max punch impact.. I can give you an example of multi placement if you want) You talk bout' 'girls in gats' in songs like you'd BUST A HEATER TO IT but it sounds like LUSTFUL 'TEENS WITH TUNES', THAT threaten "In My World: I'd tell you one time".....queue the 'JUSTIN BIEBER' MUSIC! (this was very weak imo.. the concept itself just wasnt concrete.. also you didnt need the "..." the concept wasnt an awe concept if you eel me) You aren't a Man, you're a chick I wish WE'D 'BOMB' HER WORLD HARDER! (this multi set reads akward.. It comes off as forced) So to be 'Heroes, She must be destroyed in battle' no RESPONSE FROM 'PEARL HARBOR'! (So to be Hiroshima's, be destroyed in battle) (this was the most creative bar you had... I like the concept but I'm not a fan of the long winded wordplay... it can come off as conceptually forced but in this case it was decent.. The no RESPONSE FROM PEARL HARBOR multi set didnt add to the punch impact tho because of how it was worded.. it didnt read smoothly like.. so to be hiroshimas, be destroyed in battle.. it doesnt read right both ways if that makes sense)

Punches- 6 .. i think if you worked on multi placement a little more with ETH your punches would hit a little harder.. Overall they were quite simple but i did like a couple of the personal flips you had so ima give you a 6 because you understand the importance of personal bars with a decent flip.
Multis- 6 - Some of your multis come off as forced.. What you may want to try is write your verse lowercase like you are doing an audio battle that way it may read smoother.. I do like the fact you can do the back to back multi sets relating to the end concept.. Thats a start. Also the 10 syllable multi sets can throw off a verse I wouldn't go past 6 at this stage in your texting)
Delivery/swag- 6 .. I think you lack a little bit of personality in your bars.. which can take away from the enjoyment of reading it.. If you read a daddio or illimit or jason verse you will understand what i mean.. they choose multis that read smoothly and the word choice makes the verse more exciting)
creativity- 6 The hiroshima bar was a step in the right direction, but I dont want you to try to be too creative at this point cus you may try to overdue it... Focus on your multi placement and delivery at this point then the creativity will come with it.
readability- 6 .. it was readable .. but the 10 syllable multi set took away from that a little.. Also try not the have multi sets that require a "," cus it takes away rom the flow example.. LUSTFUL 'TEENS WITH TUNES', THAT ... this read weird and the multis were kinda meh.

Overall- 6 .. You should work on multi placement and smoother multis cus they come off forced at times.. try writing the verse lowercase first and see how that works for you.. Also to understand multi placement read the dudes that i mentioned above. Ask eth to assist you more with multis so that they dont come off as forced. Focus on those areas for now. Once you get that down move to creativity and i think youll be just fine.

---------- Post added at 04:59 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:57 PM ----------

Also I think if you watch some live battles that will help with your delivery/ multi placement for max punch power.

---------- Post added at 05:16 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:59 PM ----------

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dean

@Erupt, Maybe you should get a guest rater, similar to what you did in the rap school with Phroxen. This would speed things up a lil bit.

Idk Somebody like @remarK or @ILLoKWENT

Yeah these breakdowns take like 30-40 min each tbh might not think so but it's time consuming.. Not sure those cats are gonna wanta spend time breaking these down but im getting at em my nigg all will be broke down by this weekend.

---------- Post added at 06:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:16 PM ----------

@Octavia

“stocks will be crashing” when i BLAST A GAUGE or EMPTY MAGS! sorry to “burst ur bubble” but your JABS’LL FAIL to SET ME BACK & i wouldn’t “buy in to those, homes” w/ FANNIE MAE & FREDDIE MAC! ( i think the concept was a bit played but the flip was decent.. some slant rhymes here but noting drastic... The way it was delivered was good tho.. The only thing is how the punch transitioned like.. JABS’LL FAIL to SET ME BACK & i wouldn’t “buy in to those, homes” w/ FANNIE MAE & FREDDIE MAC .. instead of saying & i wouldn't for max punch impact maybe a smoother transition word like "so i wouldnt BUY INTO.. i that makes sense.) "it's not me, it's you" livin IN HIS MOMMA'S BASEMENT (i dont get the its not me its you reference.. should focus on more concrete references because i was thinking it would be followed by like a dating breakup punch), i wanted to face a “monster” but i GET THIS FRAUD IN PLACEMENT? you’ll need a “hero to save you now” but my LYRICS AREN’T CONTAINING shit that’s CHRISTIAN ROCK RELATED like a SKILLET COMPILATION!!/ (I like the multis here, but the punch itself is meh... nothing really creative it comes across as bland.. maybe you could have flipped the concept a little) bred knows ill win, first we TEXT, THEN I’LL BEAT YOUR VERSES & for my NEXT WIN? DEFEAT A MURDA; you wont “go in, to defy or place” less you STEPPED IN A HEATED FURNACE n i aint seen “o bomb a squad” unLESS ITS THE SECRET SERVICE or the PRESIDENT’S TEAM OF SERVANTS!! (the fireplace, Obama squad.) (this right here is what you should model your punches after.. this was good the o bama line is a little played but still w/p and the defy or place w/p was decent too mainly the way it was setup and multi placement here was very good..) if you wrote lines alone? you couldnt even TRY TO TOP MINE, i mean we know acs helps to WRITE YA BARS, GUY, but they just “assist your suicide” - hence a “CRYSIS HOTLINE!” (this was actually a very good personal man... the Crysis personal, helps write bars.. I liked this punch.. the multi placement was good , if im nitpicking the TRY TO TOP MINE multi set could have been replaced by something else) you’re a rap machine? “Obey, you’re human!” but tryna BEAT GOD IN A CONTEST? since you can “cause no harm” you better run to “save your life” no THREE LAWS OF ROBOTICS!!!/ (this was a decent punch.. i like how you big upped yourself and still threw a punch.. i think the concept itself could have been put together a little better for creativity purposes.. Also for max punch impact you needed one more multi set after "cause no harm" that way the build would have made it hit a little harder ) i mean, he thinks he’s ACTUALLY KILLING ME? i’ll make ya “head spin,” hope someone HAPPENS TO INTERVENE if you "draw to put dots in I?" ur like ANIME IN DEFEAT cause weapons? we might see “bey’ blade, tops!” like JAPANESE FIGURINES! ( i like the double punch here, but it came off awkwardly .. the multis were relevant for sure but still read funy the concept itself wasn't worded properly throughout the entire bar.)

Punches- 6.5 .. The crysis hotline .. obama squad.. fireplace bars all helped your verse here.. were very decent punches and the fact that you know about where to place your multis for the most part made the bars hit harder.. There are bars that came off meh but u have punches some back to back so thats a good start for sure.. def potential here.
Multis-7 Multis for the most part are good here.. there were a couple multi sets that came off weird but overall they flow very smoothly and make sense.
delivery/swag- 6.5- You actually have a decent delivery swag as well.. yI can see a little bit of your personality shining through here I think if you work a little more on this part of your verse you will excel.. also try not to force a couple concepts
creativity- 7 .. Im going to give you a 7 here because I can see the potential in where you are going with the concepts.. you think outside of the box .. i have a pretty good eye for cats that can potentially excel creatively and you are on the right track.. just need to take it that step further.. the fire line was def on the right track.
readability- 7 .. verse was readable but there are times where your punches come off as worded awkwardly.. like the closer.. Try to keep things simple and not have too many references and quotations commas etc because it messes with the flow and what not.

Overall- 6.8 ... I think what boosts you is your potential to excel creatively.. You understand what wordplay is.. and you are very close to breaking the creative barrier.. Try to be a little more relevant bar wise... get rid of some of the commas, quotations which will make for a smoother read.. you have a good hold on multi placement as well just in some instances dont forget that the build is what makes the punch hit.. atleast three multi sets per bar id say for max punch power.. Youre on the right track tho.