Welcome to the first issue of The Critics Pen. In this issue, we will be going over the recent verses and text style of the astoundingly active voter and talented new era textcee @ice-9. Lets go ahead and jump right into this!



FIRST VERSE:

Clashing with Coffin is no sweat because his TOOTHLESS RHYMES FLOP/ You know he'll try and get a laugh cos that's all this CLUELESS GUY'S GOT/ But he's bringing jokes to a knife fight thinking if he aMUSES FIGHT'S OFF/ But this "joker's out of place" just like the "SUICIDE SQUAD"!/ See I've got a twisted side so I'll drag this out, SLICE THROUGH SKIN AND STOMACH/ Dump your body in some acid so your inSIDES'LL BE CORRUPTED/ Watch as bones dissolve and organs melt, see your VITALS DECONSTRUCTED/ So in the end you dodged that coffin but they'll FIND YOU IN A BUCKET!

CRITIQUE OF FIRST VERSE:

Through my first read, so far it seems that the immediate issue with your verse is that you are finding multis that go with your scheme and incorporating them even when they don't contribute to the crescendo or punchline of the bar. This is widely considered filler, and shouldn't be included in a good verse.

Each line should be written and planned out strategically so that they all incorporate setups to the relevant crescendo of your scheme/bar. Like your ending bar, for instance. Notice how even your first line can be directly linked to the last one? That's really good consistency, and good multi usage, and a creative punch. Obviously I know you were going light on Coffin, and that you can do better than that first scheme, but I like pointing these things out anyways to cover all bases.

SECOND VERSE:

So you had a couple of lines but you don't really think that THAT'S HARD THOUGH?/ When only half your verse is any good then it's clear you LACK BARS BRO/ See he wanted this clash but now we're here and MAN'S HEART'S COLD/ When you “pitch up” with “no balls” bitch that makes you “CASTRATO”!/ I really didn't see why I should SPIT FOR THIS YANKEE/ Every punch that he throws is like his WRIST'S BROKEN BADLY/ He brought along some “nice ideas” but now your “PISS POOR SCRIPTS CANNED”, T/ When it's all laid out you're not “Tony Soprano” you're just “CHRIS MOLTISANTI”!

CRITIQUE OF SECOND VERSE:

This was obviously a light verse from you, quite a bit of filler matched with some really broken multis at the end. Wont go too in depth here because Im sure everyone in this group knows beyond this level, but yeah, I would strive to even make your light verses dope as you'll probably regret the people pointing bars out later on and you having to point out it was light, lol.

THIRD VERSE:

Been a year of peace 'CEPT THIS MUG NOW APPEARS/ What would DNA say? GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!/ My flow high octane, full ADRENALINE ACTION, that's the type of thing our COMPARISON LACKS ON/ This rap game easy for an IRREVERENT BASTARD shit - sometime I'll even type in an AMERICAN ACCENT!/ He begged for this battle to showcase his TIRED LINES/ If there's 'no green' I'll rock an uzi, 'stormin' with that 'rapid spread' call it a bush FIRE STRIKE/ But that's the type of shit that make me 'look' 'lazy' like my 'EYE' AIN'T RIGHT/ But try swim with me you 'drown', now I'm crackin (kraken) down whilst 'rising up' call that the 'IRON PRICE'!

CRITIQUE OF THIRD VERSE:


PART1
First impressions give me ups and downs, I think the first two schemes were both essentially filler, and while I saw what you were grasping conceptually I think that had you replaced these two big portions of the verse with some straight punching it would have been an overall harder verse. You've got to think about your verse as a whole, then as individual portions, and assign crescendos to EACH of those. Meaning not only does each of your bars need an impactful setup to an impactful crescendo, your VERSE has to have all of these bars as a WHOLE act as that same set up, then as that same crescendo. A verse is a project, a body of work. It needs artistic progression and fluidity.

PART2
The next scheme was the more up than down portion of the verse, the first fire strike setup/jab was aight, couldve been a bit more direct but that multi is a bit hard to work with so idk what you could've done. The lazy eye bar was fairly basic, and needs more complexity as a concept to carry enough impact to keep in the final version. I liked the crackin' wordplay, the iron price crescendo was kind of interesting and doesnt really have anything to do with water like the first portion of the bar but still the first part was creative enough to still be dope.

OVER-ALL STYLE CRITIQUE:

So far, it seems like you don't often show your true potential. This leads to a bad road in the long run, and I would sincerely advise against it. You should minutely work on your multis, as while you do obviously have a good grasp on rhyming, whenever you breach into higher syllable counts you seemingly drift off and begin to break your multis. Perhaps this is a result of you not trying, but if that's the case it only proves how not trying your best can be detrimental even here as its hard to give feedback on something when you know it can be done better But yes. After working on your multis and rhyming a bit, I would then progress to punching and concept creation. Take part in the simile exercise and the coming metaphor / idiom ones as well and we'll work out your kinks in no time. Lots of potential with you my friend, im predicting a great future for you here!

Wow Babylon, just want to say thanks for the effort you put into this! The feedback was really detailed and has really helped me see some areas that my verses have been lacking (I'm definitley lazy with my multis and will definitely try to stop that!). I thought your suggestions on structuring the bars around individual and overall concept progression were really interesting, and were something I hadn't thought about in that way before. Will try and up my game on that front!

Whilst I'm here I'd thought I'd briefly explain where the 'IRON PRICE' line came from. It's associated with House Greyjoy in Game of Thrones, whose mythos is based around water (in particular their religion involves 'drowning' and 'rising again') and whose sygil is a Kraken. They prefer not to buy things, but to take from those they've killed - calling that the 'iron price'. Not necessarily the hardest punchline in the world, but that's what tied it to the water theme!

gs ice