Ok . Art: you need to learn how to construct a punch.  Your just writing lines that rhyme the last words. Lord moor had the better set up and attempt of punches . so he gets the head nod fv in

i think that moor, was alil more creative.

Arterial you need more clarity in your verse. Make sure the rhymes match up and let us through text when each line ends. We only interpret what we read. You have a good ability at stringing ideas together which is important and a good stepping stone in my book.

The other was doing too much trying to bring too many ideas come together but came off erratic. Work on keeping consistency from line to line. Make sure you still putting across the message youve intended.You did have an improved structure and I do like the pace better.